***I must add a disclaimer, because my words have so often been used against me when really they were, in context, justified and either benign or often commendable. I obviously would not speak to my child like this, and the context you need is that my ex husband is a covert narcissist. Like, the clinical kind, not the colloquial kind. Here’s a nice playlist for you:


So this is how my personal brain, the only one that I have and which I did not choose, deals with this difficulty. What I will actually say to my son is, “Listen. Why don’t you just be the kid here?” But here’s what I wanna say:

Listen here, you little shit. You are seven years old. Now I know you think that I don’t know a whole lot, and who could blame you, with all those voices in your ear? You are too young to understand anything but the power structure in place. You’re too young to understand that sometimes the bad guys win. But sweetheart, some God, the same guy all these people think made the universe, gave you to me. He made ME your mother.

Now, I don’t know if you know a lot about what a mother is supposed to do or to be, so let me just get you caught up. She is supposed to have your back, more than anybody else ever will, because she loves you more than she loves herself. This means that she will bend over backward to get you what you need, even if it costs her a lot. She’ll give everything she has for you, and then find more to give if you need more than that.

This also means that when she’s telling you something, she’s telling you the truth. People lie to protect themselves in a way, right? Think about why you lie when you do. You’re protecting  yourself or keeping someone who did something wrong out of trouble, which is never good, by the way. How can they learn to do right if they not held responsible when they have done something wrong? Then they just run around and do the bad things to all the other people too. It is your responsibility as a person to other people to hold them responsible when they have done wrong.

But if mommy loves you more than she loves herself, she won’t protect herself over protecting you, and will definitely not protect herself if it means hurting you. And she’s the only one, you pig headed infant. Knock what you’re doing the fuck off, withholding information, protecting your father while he neglects you. I can’t do anything with your silence except smell your stench. Do you have any idea what it’s like to have to make decisions based on my instincts when everyone INSISTS that I’m crazy? And now to your own fucking detriment and at seven goddamned years old, you DARE to join in on this goddamned gaslighting? HOW FUCKING DARE YOU.

Do you have any idea the time and energy I have invested in trying to make your life better than mine? Trying to protect you from the bullshit. YOU WILL NOT BE THE DEMISE of this endeavor, because my fucking son is at stake. You will not get in the way of me giving you something easier than my own goddamned life. Get out of my way. Get back in your fucking place as the child. Sit the fuck down, and let me be Mom.