But I Won’t Do That

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More crazy shit happened yesterday, and I’m not gonna get into it right now, but I have a few things to say, just in case.

Keep in mind, of course, that I may be completely delusional and making up realities in my head. I’ve made up a dozen of them, which is kinda why it’s gonna be such a kick ass book. When these realities seem real, like they’re the truest explanation for many strange events, I adress them as though they were actually real.

Because of this, material that appears to be related to any fact of my life triggers some sort of response. This material does not need to be meant for me, I have a history of believing in Divine Intervention because my brain makes correlations between my life and the external world constantly. So does yours, just differently, probably. Mine used to make me think God was talking to me with signs and through other people, etc. This situation is precisely the same, in that I do not know who is responsible for the shit I’ve been through, nor do I know which of the “signs” were unrelated bits of information that struck me for their applicability to my life solely because they seemed to apply.

I also was a bullied kid with emotionally abusive parents, and I think a great deal about rebuttals to my character and to my arguments. None need to have actually been made. I will find them of my own accord, or I will find them in spoken words not meant for me. I have no idea if anything in this post is necessary. Probably not. But in case:

1. The policy for police conduct and oversight is not finished. Not even close. Of course I don’t think you should review the footage for all the arrests that you currently make at the time of booking. I don’t think you should be making all of the arrests that you currently make.

The mantra “Do No Harm” means that you will have the responsibility of superhuman self awareness and must consider the impact of an arrest, positive or negative, before you make it. A ton of people were suggesting during the riots that alternative services be offered in place of police activity, but there is no reason why police officers could not implement similar services, offically or unofficially, themselves. Do this, and you will have my respect.

2. Fans? Listen, let’s reverse the roles. And this is important, because in order to “Do No Harm” you’re gonna have to be really good at walking in other people’s shoes. And you’re gonna have to stop thinking you know everything there is to know about the world. Reality is socially constructed, you confirm your biases by selectively paying attention to whatever confirms it, and then you treat opposing evidence as though it were a broken rule, not worrying about whether the rule might be wrong or whether there are many exceptions.

So do those two thing first, then put yourself in my shoes. You’ve been making it, sometimes barely, against all odds. When you started, you had nothing and no resources, you made it and people knocked you down, tormented you, you got up and made it again, and they took it again. All the while, you’ve got the burden of caring for too damn many people. You’re doing it, sometimes dropping the ball cuz you’re human, and all the while being treated like absolute garbage for not confirming exactly to what other people think you should be.

Youre not unaware of your failings, they hurt you. How could you be unaware? But then someone zooms in on the one “problem” that’s making it possible to deal with all your problems. They demonize it, and you because of it, harming you significantly for your coping mechanism. They hurt you for trying to help yourself.

So then you of course don’t want to keep a solution if it has become a problem, and because of this new sanction, it has. It was the glue, though, and without it you start to break down. You are mixing up a bunch of new concoctions, trying to make a glue that makes things stick at least as well or better, and you are almost there. But those very bad days, you can’t keep them together yet. You slip. You get back up, because most days are fine and it’s important to get back up.

On one occasion, the slip is too much alcohol. You wake up the next day still drunk, and you don’t get to brush it off and get up. They kick you while you’re down. Then they use the fact that you’re down to justify the kick.

They don’t ever zoom out either. They’re not paying attention, necessarily, to the times when you need glue and disregard the sanction, but you are a person of real integrity, and you talk about it. You talk about it because you think that it is important to own your mistakes and because you’re trying to figure out what went wrong and why, because otherwise you can’t prevent it next time. It’s part of mixing up the new glue.

But your introspection isn’t honored as part of your process toward becoming more of what they want, it’s regarded as an admission of failure only. And then you’re kicked while you are down once more. It’ll be a miracle if you get back up.

So it’s sweet if you were fans. Really. But you have harmed me significantly, and I am responding to that. I don’t know you. And honestly, if you know me and can harm me this much and then feel offended because I have a whole entire mind of my own, I’m glad to lose you as a fan.

To go around repeating back to me the words that I wrote myself first isn’t clever. It isn’t helpful. It’s harassment. It is painful. I already accepted and owned them when I wrote them down, before I wrote them down. I did that, I had so much integrity that I called myself out before you knew I’d done anything wrong. That should be your first hint that I don’t need you to say it. I already know.

To stand there and use my conscience to humiliate me is counterproductive. All I hear is, “You’re a piece of shit.” And if I am so awful before I have done much anything to be awful, what’s the use in trying to be good?

But, in fact, I was already good. I was always good, and that I admitted my sins is proof in itself.

The fact is that you have demonized me because of a stereotype, and have used the stereotype, not my own behavior, to justify causing me substantial and lifelong harm. I’ll scream all I want. And you don’t deserve my respect. If it is the case that I have lost your esteem for responding to you in an honest way about yourself, for calling you out the way I call out myself and expecting you to have ALMOST as much integrity as I do, and laying back on you the pressure of perfection that you have unfairly yoked me with, then good. You’re a fucking hypocrite and I dont deserve what you’ve done to me. You deserve far worse than some disrespect, if it’s weighed by fairness and not mere law.

If you are only fans and have no relation to this, and I have lost your esteem for other reasons, and if you’ve done this because you think you’re helping: I repeat much of the same. Harassing people for trying to be a better person is exactly the opposite of what you should do. Putting it like that makes you sound fucking stupid, doesn’t it?

The fact remains also that you are using a stereotype to justify substantial and lifelong harm. You have driven me previously into a full blown psychosis, and when that was over, I became hopelessly depressed for months. I felt broken, worthless, like I wasn’t worth anything at all. I felt ugly and stupid, and you incited all of it. I was nearly positive I would never get up again. I was convinced I didn’t deserve to exist.

The fact that this can be true, and that you have done it over a substance that I chose to put in my body only, should demonstrate well enough the truth of my other words. I have done nothing to you, or to anyone. You have driven me into the ground and then made me your fucking piñata. I’m a goddamned human being, folks.

And to my father and ex husband, who are all too happy to see me fail and try to conflate the failure to live according to all your biases, for even one single day, as proof that I am a piece of shit: How dare you. I am in this position because of you. How I survive it is not any of your business, you took everything from me. Everything. That I can treat you with respect after that says enough about my character to invalidate everything YOU tell yourselves. The fact is that you are and have always been severely emotionally abusive. Your lenses are dirty, you are only capable of seeing the bad in me. It’s a fact. Because if you could see the good, you would see there’s a fucking lot of it.



Hey. It's Renee. Hope you're having a nice day. 

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