the blog

Dear Whoever

Your criticisms fall on deaf ears for exactly one reason: You don’t know who I am.

You’re not inside my head, and the me that I see is not at all the one you see. For one, you see everything through the lense of your own values, which are not the same as mine. They’re not even universally shared, and I don’t have to share them.

You don’t feel my feelings. There are two forms of behavioral motivations, according to Psychology. One is extrinsic, which is what you’re attempting to use. The other is intrinsic, and that’s the kind that has always been the sort that I am responsive to. It’s the panic, the remorse, the joy, the whatever it is that I feel that compells me to act. And I assure you, it is enough.

I don’t need you looking over my shoulder. You’re not helpful at all. You do nothing but hurt me, trying to pound in lessons that I don’t need to learn, trying to instill me with ideas that I will never agree upon. There is nothing wrong with me. I am not self-destructing. I’m living my own way, and you don’t have to agree with it, just like I don’t have to agree with you.

That way will change as change is required. I’ve demonstrated that I am intelligent, that I make good choices given my limited array of options, that I am dedicated and determined, if a little slow to get the ball rolling. Contrary to your analysis that I am self-centered, I quite often give more than I have to give if someone needs it. I’m slow to anger typically, and quick to forgive. I’m careful while adventurous and I know myself. I know my rights and wrongs, I know my limits even while I refuse to let them limit me. I am good at what I do, whatever I do, and I make people feel good when they’re around me. When I fuck up, I admit it, apologize, and try again, which is all you can ask of anyone.

I am competent, I am smart, I am strong. And while I may not live optimally, according to the criteria you’ve set at least, I can live my own damn life.

The end.