Everytime.

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You know, I don’t get the problem with self love. People act like its a balance beam hanging over a sea of self absorption, like it’s one misstep toward narcissism and it couldn’t be further from it. Simultaneously, we have these little maxims like, “You can’t love anyone until you love yourself,” and then it’s lost again in the cultural demand for humility.

But self love isn’t anything like that when its real. It has nothing to do with considering yourself higher than man, but in understanding and loving all men, including yourself as one of them. Love for self and love for others are mutually reinforcing, so that the grace and empathy you find yourself needing is later extended to others, and the same given first to others can later be applied to you when you make the same mistakes.

Far from making me self absorbed, I’ve found that the more I love myself and appreciate my abilities, forgive my shortcomings, understand my behaviors, the more I am able to love others. There is less ego, not more, because the ego is concerned with survival and thus spurs on competition, which is the precursor to selfish behavior. Sure of itself, it becomes less concerned about it’s ability to survive, which is more taken for granted, and it is therefore less at odds with other egos. It isn’t desperate and easily triggered as it is when it feels threatened, it is capable of expanding it’s self interest to include the interests of other selves.

As a related diversion from this statement, because I’m just following my own train of thought for the fuck of it anyway: This is why I’m so comfortable being honest. I already know I suck sometimes, and I know that I’m not defined by it. I’m just surprised to see how little sucking you are willing to admit to yourself, because I’m already well aware that you’re just as shitty as I am. Surprise. Good news: You’re probably just as bad ass too.

Anyhow, my original point was that I get really mean in relationships when I feel insecure. THAT is my real personality disorder inspired problem. Not NPD. BPD. And I’m doing it again. So hey, why don’t I want you to touch me? Because I just gained ten pounds in under a month and you said no for the first time ever when I asked you to touch me mere hours ago. Related? Yes. Come on, I’m not a fucking idiot. So now you get pushed away. It’s for the best. Leave before you’re left.

Renee

Renee

Hey. It's Renee. Hope you're having a nice day. 

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