If you’re keeping tabs and wanna know: I AM still sober. Life has been very, very hard since the arrests, between the hotel’s that took my money and the “friends” that stole my money, I found myself down about $600, plus I lost valuable work time being incarcerated, even briefly, and with the pure chaos of just trying to keep my head above water with everyone and their mother trying to make me drown, I’ve been almost drowning.
If you’ve supported me through this time, thank you. I’d like to believe I’ll get to stop just hanging in there at some point, but I’ve lost everything and everyone and I get some serious anxiety before I see clients now, because I’ve gained weight and am extremely insecure about my appearance. Seems shallow, but if it helps, I’m also insecure about my personality. That old social anxiety is very, very real and very much back now that I’m sober.
So all in all, I’m not doing well. Actually, my life is so dark everywhere that my endless optimism is reaching its end and I dont know that I can keep going.
I cut my wrists the other night. I used to cut in high school. Have done it maybe once since. It’s like a form of self punishment, and I guess I haven’t held such a low opinion of myself in a while. Just across, don’t go calling the suicide police. Just finally agreeing with everyone that I’m a piece of shit.
So if I’m hard to reach, crippling depression and anxiety are why. Keep trying, cuz at least once a day, I have to force myself to fake a smile and make some money, cuz Ive been spending far too much time lately on the streets and have found that keeping a hotel room is preferable.
There’s my life in a nutshell. I’d say, “at least I’m still sober,” but I was hotter on drugs, and they made me feel happier too, which made my life look a lot more together, since I was more able to work. In fact, everything is falling apart specifically because I am sober. So yay that.