the blog

More Yelling at the Wind

Here’s the thing… Once more, you do not know who I am. You are not inside my head. The idea that I upset people is likely valid. Not valid is that I do not know why. I know why, it’s just that I don’t always care. Discomfort is part of life, is not inherently bad, and is frequently (but not always, as in the case of you) a catalyst for good. Chris, my phone got shut off. I am going to text you on Tuesday when my kids are back with their dad. You can admit you read these and text me at 512 309 0223 before then if you’d like. In the meantime, I’m trying to survive and I need to make enough money to get my transcript ( I owe ACC money for the semsester Adam left) so I don’t miss out on the semester that’s coming in a few weeks. On top of that, I’ve been trying to get caught up with schoolwork, so, so close now. I ultimately had fallen almost two weeks behind, now I’m on the current module, with everyone else, and I have new stuff due tomorrow that I need to get done. I’m just swamped and I overestimated my ability to manage life. I’m still coming. (And I’m growing as a person.) I’ve got you. I’m sorry. As for men, romantically? Hell, man. You guys are impossible to please and I won’t try. A lack of cognition is not the problem, I fully understand that you’re batshit insane. I will not do what you want me to do and you’re gonna need to manage your expectations. Remember that I am a full human being, with a full mind of my own, with my own needs, wants, thoughts, feelings, and circumstances, all of which are as valid as yours, believe that I am a good person with good intentions who will do the right thing invariably if given the means and the opportunity, and we won’t have any problems. Promise. The responsibility for your disappointment belongs to you, who failed to account for my humanity while you were forming your ideas and aiming for an end. The disappointment should be mine. As for the other stuff: It is not that I do not know what is best for me. It’s that YOU don’t. You’re trying to lump me in with everyone else, trying to make me into a stereotype, and you’re right, if I were stereotypical, then some of the decisions that I make would be less than ideal. But I am not. I need some options that are not available to me, so I substitute for my own. The result of my substitution is not diminished because the solution is unorthadox. I do what works, I wouldn’t do it if it didn’t. I don’t run in circles with stereotyped peers, I don’t run in circles at all. I hold shit down, I’m in school, I work, I’m working more, and I’m taking care of others as well as myself. In fact, if you were less concerned about the specific others that I’m taking care of and more observant of the things I do, I think you’d eat your words. (Also, if you were less critical of my professional pursuits, you’d see that your “lazy” is dedicated hard work and borderline brilliant.) I’m making the sacrifices that you insisted I should, and I’ll continue to make them. When I’ve had the means, I’ve always done so, without need for your bullying pokes. I just haven’t filed the necessary reports. I’ll try to figure out how. If you would throw away every preexisting notion that you have about what I do and who I am and just fucking listen to me, and look at the works of my hands, it is inevitable that you would think of me the way that I do. I promise. People frequently tell me that I’ve had a positive, trajectory changing impact on their lives, which you completely disregard because it doesn’t fit the narrative of me as Satan. So I broke a few hearts. I mean, Jesus Christ, all the people that have fallen in love with me and you expect me to marry them all?! Come the fuck on. Heartache is not by default the mark of someone else’s moral failings. At least as often, it is indicitive of your own. (Stay tuned for “Ethics and Heartache,” inspired by your whiney, entitled worldview.) Your head is filled to the brim with bullshit: uneducated observations and inherited opinions that you’ve never bothered to weigh against reality. Stop dripping it on me. It’s gross. You mentioned science once, and I’ve just gotta say: What happened to the scientific method then? Aren’t you supposed to observe without bias? Aren’t you supposed to modify your theories if they don’t match reality? Shouldn’t I have become sterotypical by now? How is it that my performance and productivity peak when your theory says they should both decline? How is it that I appear more attractive, which is supposed to be an indicator of health? Why am I happier, less angry, more emotionally stable in general, more sociable, more pro-social? Your looking lense is smeared with all the shit you’ve thought to your hands… You wanna talk about health? What about the impact your constant criticism has on my health? Social isolation, induced by YOUR persistent, demeaning presence, has the same death rate as cigarette smoking, which you criticize me for. Chronic stress literally creates autoimmune disorders and increases the risk of various problems of the heart. Cortisol, duh. And if you think the impact of your torture is temporary, you clearly haven’t heard of PTSD. YOU cause more harm by far than the things you believe cause me harm. You might literally kill me. It’s at least as likely as me killing myself, according to actual science. A sense of efficacy is critical for motivation. I read a study recently where some rats were rewarded for utilizing their brain’s spontaneous dopamine burts (which occur naturally and randomly, without provocation), thus extending their sense of well-being and engaging their reward centers as well, in case mental health was not rewarding enough. Apparently it isn’t though, because when they could no longer earn the reward, they stopped utilizing the help. If you can’t get what you want, you will not try. That is true of every person on the planet, including you. You’d know if you knew what it was like to not get what you want. Unfortunately, you’ve had too little of reality and too much of privelege. So if now and then it seems like I’ve given up, it’s because every now and then I have. To blame for that is YOU, who robbed me of the things I earned, told me I didn’t earn them, and tore me down over every little thing, no matter what it was or whether it was good, so that I was led to believe myself incapable of being effective or worthwhile. You’d give up too if there was nothing you could do, and no one to whom it would make a difference. I get that you want me to live my life according to your values. I also get that your values are bullshit and your methods are worse. I’m not here to live alongside you in this fucked up world. I’m here to change it. (As an aside: Being bubbly and not giving a fuck about ridiculous markers of middle class status does not equal immaturity. For one, it is the mark of my upbringing in the underclass, where your status was unobtainable and it’s markers did not exist. For two, I’d say it’s pretty damn evolved. So would Jesus and Buddha, and every major religious leader to ever live. I don’t value the things that you do, pre-landfill garbage that it is. I value freedom, I value people, I value equality and inclusion and truth and compassion and progress and peace. To everything else, I attribute value based on varying combinations of immediacy, obtainability, and utility. Cuz that’s what makes sense. Our culture is the thing that is mad. “He can hold a 9-5 and slaves away joyously to line the pockets of someone else. He has life insurance, too! That’s the measure of a man.” Emotional maturity, moral competence, empathy, resilience, composure, identity, intelligence, competence, ambition, compassion, perspective, wisdom, hope… Nah. Useless. Hah. Tell you what, I am that which still ripples life into life long after you’re dead, I am what it matters to be, and everything that you value, everything that you have, and everything that you are is biodegradeable. You call me careless becasue I’m carefree, and you strive in vain against your vanity for the happiness that I have by default, no matter what. You simply have had too little experience to understand what is important, and I have had enough. Shut up with the materialistic, consumerist, mindlessly conformist bullshit and kiss my ass. I don’t care if I die ten years sooner than I would if strived to be like you. I care about my character and the effect I have on the world while I am here, which makes it fundamentally impossible to be like you. As I’ve said, you judge me by our degree of difference, assuming that you’re superior by default. How fucking arrogant.) Taking responsibility for my life doesn’t mean I don’t place blame where it is due. Again, if you look at the works of my hands, you will see NOTHING BUT responsibility taking. If you’d shut the fuck up, I’d have no need to refute your constant illiteracies and would make no mention of you. There would BE no finger pointing if you’d stop pointing yours. Imbeciles. Finally, have you considered that I persist in some prohibited behaviors because I need them to help me cope with the trauma caused by YOU? The paranoia that I admitted as I once again violated your will and healed myself? Evidence of the damage you’ve done to my mental health. Mental unwellness is like an iceberg, so imagine all the harm that you’ve inflicted which still remains unseen. I’ll say it again and again and again: You ONLY cause me harm. Go away and leave me alone. I can live my own fucking life.