First is my father. As much shit as I talk about my parents, they deserve it, and you think I’d be over it. But like any child when they are vulnerable or in need, I want my mommy and daddy.
To hear them tell it, I deserve the abandonment. But they abandoned me before I turned to sex work and before I got hooked on drugs. In fact, if they hadn’t, I never would have done any of it.
So the hope, I guess, was that they would see the chain reaction of things, and my need, and want to make up for it somehow, to right their wrongs. Or fuck that, just that either one of them would just care about their fucking kid. Other addicts get ten years and as many treatment centers. My dad was gonna leave me in jail, first offense. He wouldn’t even let me come to get sober, first offense. He wouldn’t even let me stay with him when my husband abandoned me and I wound up on the streets, and that was a year before I touched methamphetamine. That’s not tough love, that’s no love. My parents genuinely do not give a fuck about me.
So that’s first on my list of things to cry about. No one gives a fuck.
Second is people in general not giving a fuck. Especially after all the care I have pumped into the world. And I don’t just mean telling my story so that others will have theirs heard. The whole work of my life is good. But I never see a person in need and do nothing. Strangers have approached me for showers, and places to stay, and I’ve said yes, sometimes to my own detriment. I’ve taken people into stores to buy what they need because I didn’t have cash or change to give, and couldn’t let them use my debit card. I’ve brought homeless guys into my hotel so they could eat the freebreakfast, just last night, I gave a man who didn’t say a word a cigarette because he was picking up butts, and before he said a word, I took his empty water jug inside and filled it up and gave it back. I gave a girl half my makeup and a bunch of clothes while she put me down and told me I didn’t understand, just because she needed it. I mean, I must have missed the memo about altruism being obsolete. Even the homeless guy who attacked me, I made sure the cops were gonna get him some psychological help and didn’t press charges. I mean, come the fuck on people. If I can let a homeless person sleep in my bed, you can do something good for someone who needs it JUST because they need it. It’s really, really not that hard.
Meanwhile, I’m regarded as a whore and run the fuck over by a world where I’ve done no harm.
Whatever. That’s why I quit. That’s what I can’t do anymore. Im supposed to soothe the same bodies that break me down, or bring peace while I walk through chaos. Smile, and bring joy while the world returns misery.
So sue me if I need to see the world be a little good. I’ve done more than my share, as far as that goes. I can’t keep pumping light into a black hole.