What You Want

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So, with abusive people, there’s no way to win. With a change of mood, or with every new thing that causes them a little discomfort, they’ll have new reasons, constantly, to put you down. The closer you are to them, the more annoying you will be, and you’ll start pulling up the bath mat before you shower and towel drying the floor so he doesn’t step on a few droplets with his bare feet. You know.

You won’t ever be good enough. You learn not to move, you hate yourself for existing, you just try to stay out of the way.

And that’s what they want. They regard you as nothing but a pain in the ass, their kindesses, whatever they are, feel like work and they think they deserve far more credit for them than they’re worth. In fact, the abusive person is so sure that his good deeds are so valuable, because he expends so much effort and self control on them, that he really believes he is good to the person he hates. Nevermind that he verbalizes his disdain constantly.

You’re not supposed to have a mind of your own. As recent events show. If you do, things get ugly. Depending on the kind of abuser, you’ll get physically hurt or psychologically terrorized, maybe hacked and stalked and harassed if he has some social sway.

Sorry, D, sorry C, sorry B, sorry A. I’m nobody’s goddamned door mat.

And then Dakota went another step and tried to push intimacy while he talked to me like I was trash. Hah. What a fucking violation of a person’s basic self respect. But I, being an actual good person, felt bad about rejecting the man who used to get drunk and deliver mean monologues from the bathroom sink until I left.

If you wanna judge me, I dare you to throw away the word Whore and look at what I’ve actually done, and keep it in context and weigh it against what was done to me.. Cuz I don’t think you can. I don’t think you have the cognitive capacity to think about things without resorting to stereotypes and preconceptions. I don’t think you’re anything but a pathetic product of a pathetic father with a small dick and a fat wife and Fox News on TV. I think you’re fucking braindead.



Hey. It's Renee. Hope you're having a nice day. 

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